This was written by me in 2005, a week after my first wife passed away. It helped me to write it and I have kept it here for the same reason. It has survived numerous website upgrades and platform changes. If you stumble upon it, consider yourself fortunate to read about a wonderful person who is no longer with us.

About my wife...

Tracie Fagan (Robinson) was born in Columbus, Ohio on November 15, 1968. She passed away in Jupiter, FL on August 19, 2005 after a long six year back and forth battle with cervical cancer. She was 36 years old.

Simply put, Tracie had the biggest heart and was one of the nicest people I have ever known. She always put others needs and feelings ahead of her own. I was reminded of this fact as recently as only days before her death when we brought her home after being in the hospital for two and a half months. As sick as she was she was more concerned about the nurse being comfortable at our home than she was about herself. That was just so typical of Tracie. She did not want anyone feeling sorry for her nor did she wish to be a burden on anyone. She was so tough on the outside...

Tracie wanted to come home after we were told by her doctors "there was nothing else they can do". Sadly, I had been told this before on other occasions prior to this hospital stay but you have to understand that Tracie was resilient. She always turned that corner and bounced back time after time much to everyone's amazement. Even this last time we hoped it would happen again. That she would prove those doctors wrong and we would be off four-wheeling just like we were only a week before she went into the hospital this time. I tried not to think it and I tried not to show it but I knew in my heart that this time would be different. After years of riding a physical roller coaster and dealing with emotional highs and lows I could not even begin to describe, I knew we were coming closer to the end of her long battle. She was not giving up. She was never one to give up but her body was finally giving out. Her disease was finally catching up to her. No one person should have had to endure what that poor girl endured. It broke my heart. I have to say that when I sit down and think about everything she went through it is truly amazing to me that she was always able to maintain such a positive attitude. She was so tough on the outside...

Tracie only wanted the basic things in life. She was not a "material girl". The only thing she really wanted was to have children of her own. Because of her prolonged illness her one true dream was never realized. I remember watching the news on TV and seeing people literally throwing their babies away over the years. We even knew people that wished they didn't have the kids that they had. How ironic that these people would get the chance she could only wish for. Adoption was suggested but she was just too sick. I know she would have been a great mother. I also know not being able to have children of her own tormented her right to the last day. She rarely showed it but I knew. She was so tough on the outside...

Tracie was tough on the outside. It's understandable. She had to be to survive as long as she did. Now that she is gone I am having a difficult time dealing with it but it helps me to remember beyond the days when she was very sick and realize that we shared some great years together. Years when she did not have to be so tough.

Anyone reading this that knows me today may find this amusing but before I met Tracie my idea of the good life was living on the beach somewhere with access to a boat. The boat still sounds good but who would have thought then that 17+ years later I would be out in horse country building the next Noah's Ark without the Ark. Quite frankly, Tracie showed me another way. It was a very happy way. She made me very happy. Some people would deduce that the animals are simply a replacement for the children she never had but the fact of the matter is, we love our animals and the only thing that could have made it better would have been our own kids to share in the experience. It's also a little known fact that I was responsible for bringing home more animals than her but don't tell anyone. That said, Tracie did love animals. All kinds of animals. She was an animal lover in the true sense of the word. I didn't intend it but as I am writing this I am reminded of a funny story that I would like share with you now. It really puts her love for animals into perspective.

One night I receive a call from Tracie who said she was going to be home late because she came across an injured opossum (yes, opossum) which was in the roadway and could not move on its own. She was going to be late because she was waiting for her friend Barbara (another "animal person") to bring some gloves and a cage so that they could transport it to a wildlife refuge for rehab or to be humanely destroyed. The next thing I know she says she has to go because there is a car coming and she doesn't want them to run it over again. The phone call doesn't surprise me because we keep extra lead lines and blankets in the truck for all types of animal encounters. We've caught more than one loose horse and brought home more than one side-of-the-road dog so, although it was a opossum, I wasn't surprised at all.

Since I knew she was on a dark rural road I only waited about 5 minutes and called her back. I wanted to be sure she was still ok and knowing she wasn't going to leave until the situation was resolved, I'm thinking maybe I should start heading that way. When she answered she said a Florida Highway Patrol car was driving by and had stopped to render aid. The FHP officer was going to remain on the scene with his emergency lights on until Barbara got there with the cage because of the potential traffic hazard with having Tracie in the street waiving cars away. She said he also made a comment under his breath about "waiting for an opossum" but couldn't quite make out what he said. I knew that wouldn't even phase my Tracie. I figured she was ok so we hung up again.

This time I waited about 20 minutes and called her back again. She said that Barbara had gotten there with the gloves and cage but they were having a problem catching the injured opossum. Apparently it was able to move just enough to make it difficult to catch. The problem was that no matter what they did it wanted to remain in the roadway. She then said she had to go and talk to the Sheriff's car pulling up. She left the line open and it sounded like the Sheriff Deputy was either attracted to Tracie or was really sympathetic to her cause. Which of the two I will never know but the next thing I hear is him checking out at the scene with his dispatcher and requesting another unit. We hang up for now.

About 20 minutes later she calls me. She said that they were able to finally catch and secure the opossum with the help of the FHP officer and the two Deputy Sheriffs. She said that what they ended up doing was shutting down the road in both directions with the use of flares and some traffic control devices along with the Deputies help. She said that people only had to wait about 15 minutes in both directions. I remember a smile and short laugh as I visualized the whole ordeal with the cops, flares in the road, stopped traffic and Tracie and Barbara running around trying to catch the opossum. That's my Tracie.

Tracie also loved her nieces and nephews like they were her own. If you ever find yourselves reading this I would want each of you to know that Tracie would have done absolutely anything for you. She loved each of you very much. She had such admiration and high hopes for each one of you. Please don't let her down.

It's going to be a difficult transition now that she is gone. Everything and everybody seems to remind me of her. I've been told that this is to be expected and the days will get a little easier as time goes by. The last year has been rough so I do have some comfort knowing that she is no longer in any pain and no one can poke or prod her any more. As for things getting easier, it's difficult to imagine right now.

My only regret after almost 18 years together is that I was unable to trade places with her in the end. She was and will always be a better person than me. I can only hope that she was taken from us so early in life for a good reason and that she is truly in a better place. She was my wife, my partner and my friend. My life will be incomplete without her. I will miss her very much.

- Jeff
Always and forever.
August 27, 2005

R.I.P. Tracie Fagan (Robinson) 1968 - 2005